Night of the Flying Dildoes

I'm usually pretty careful about how I pack my bags, especially now that airport security is so tight. Its not that I think the security we have in place now makes us any safer, it doesn't, but it gives all those people jobs and they have something to do that makes them feel important so that makes me happy to know that I'm playing my own little part in that system.

I don't really fly that often, its not that I don't want to but I don't really have reason to. I go back to Hawaii a few times a year to see my ohana (that's family for those of you from the mainland) but otherwise I have no place to go. Cold weather scares me (I get lots of invitations from friends in cold places to go visit like New York, Chicago, etc but seriously, if I want that experience I can go clear out a few shelves of the freezer and sit in there for a while right?) So anyway, because I don't fly very much I dont have much of a flying rhythym down. You know how like frequent business travelers they know exactly what to pack and where to go and what to do right? I mean this is normal stuff for them.

I'll give you an example, I went to San Francisco a couple months ago (because no one there likes bondage or fetish sex at all... you believe that right?) and I had a whole ton of bondage equipment in my check in bag. Seriously! I had like 3 floggers, collars, leashes, cuffs, dildos and anal plugs and enough chains to start my own tractor pull. When I got to where I was going (and yes it was a very fun weekend in case you were wondering) I opened up my bag and inside was a lovely little note from the TSA letting me know that they rifled through my stuff and picked out all the good things to sell on Ebay. Well it didnt say that exactly for legal reasons I'm sure, but one of my anal plugs is missing and I just know there's some TSA guy standing around thinking "as long as everyone is going to look at me like I have a big stick in my ass, I might as well do it".

So that's mildly embarassing because I know that someone went through it who may or may nto have been into bondage but at least I never had to confront them. Its not that I'm embarassed about being bi-sexual or into bondage, I'm not, but when you're dealing with someone in the lifestyle who understands it at least you don't get that feeling of being judged, like some right wing holier than thou TSA guy is thinking I'm the sick one right before he goes home to fantasize about sex with underage boys in Thailand.

You hear the stories sometimes of the person who left a vibrator in their carry on and it starts to go off and they get surrounded by airport security who then interrogate them for 10 hours about whether or not the vibrator was really a bomb or worse, part of a WMD aimed at wiping out life in West Hollywood. I've had that experience where a vibrator did go off in my carryon bag but luckily I was already on the plane at the time and I was able to discreetly handle it and I told everyone it was my electric razor. For some reason no one really questioned it, maybe they thought I had five o'clock shadow or something and I was going back to my carnie job as the bearded lady. Yes I do shave but its a little further south and I like to be bald and totally smooth down there. Maybe if I had revealed that the male flight attendant would have upgraded me to first class except I'm pretty sure he was gay so unless the guy sitting next to me shaved his testicles, we were both out of luck in coach class.

I've gotten to where I just don't argue about it though, I think most people are like this. You go to airport security and they find something they don't like. A nail file, bottle of water, pictures of your great aunt, its easier just to say keep it and keep going right? This is what happened to me. Its the whole point of my story. I was flying back to Hawaii for a few days before Thanksgiving and in my carry on I had a nice big rubber dildo that's very realistic. See, I'm a very sexual person, you know that already so when I go to see my family, well there's just not a lot going on and sometimes I have to take care of myself and having my friend Mr. Wiggly along helps make it more fun. Apparently though on the X-Ray as my bag was screened they saw an object that made them suspicious, they didn't say it looked like a large cock but maybe that's what they were thinking. Yes I was pulled aside, and my bag was opened and right there in the middle of the airport the security guy pulled the cock out of my bag. I would think that they'd have some sort of a discreet system set up to deal with these things but I guess not. He just kind of held it there, it dangled between a couple of his fingers of course covered in those freaky blue latex gloves and he asked "is this yours ma'am"". Its kind of wierd to be called ma'am while being questioned about a dildo, at least have the decency to call me a dirty little fuck whore right? Now what's wierd about this is yes ,there were children and families around all excited about their family vacation to Hawaii and as they pass through security they likely are watching this large black man holding a rubber cock. That's a nice postcard image isn't it? Let's put that on the Christmas card! I was waiting for him to ask me which hole I wanted it in but he said to me that I couldn't take it in my checked baggage. Now I figured I could, there's no rule against rubber dildos, maybe its a fear of masturbation at 35,000 feet that invoked that security rule and I'm pretty sure these guys just make up half the rules as they go along based on how they feel about what they had for lunch that day, but either way I didn't want to miss my flight and I wasn't going to spend four hours arguing about whether or not I could take a dildo on a plane so I invited him to keep it, at which point he flung it across the room toward the confiscated item bin. As it flew through the air I wondered to myself how many more dildos would be denied their right to fly on planes and satisfy their owners. I guess all those girls will just have to go find real cocks instead huh?